@SteveKoehler22

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

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@fishbowel

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@kirstenteigg

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

@ObsKenobs

Teacher: your son has been bullying other students

The Mandalorian:

The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?

Teacher: for their snacks

@kwkorpi

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@ibid78

-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]

@houffy

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables