Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Don’t snitch tag.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.