Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…
It instantly takes me to another station.
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Teacher: your son has been bullying other students
The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?
Teacher: for their snacks
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
H: Removing unmentionables