DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.