Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…