Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The point of your 20s
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying