Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
are there any atheist mantises?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.