Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life
Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a giraffe. Then, be a giraffe.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.