[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”