@CrockettForReal

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

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@TwinSurvivalist

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

@Reverend_Scott

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

@KelgoreTrout

“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.