Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Google assistant rules
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Perfect.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF