@brandonleecool
@UncleDuke1969
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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@UncleDuke1969
@krisv_723
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
@KyleMcDowell86
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
@Donna_McCoy
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
@Henry_3k
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
@Cheeseboy22
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
@Luiki89
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
@Birdhumms
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
@DaddyJew
*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.
@scorpicpanda
Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.
JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”