Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect
N: our next contestant…
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.