Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

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Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.


When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.


Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.


As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.


If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?


*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.


Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.

JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”