@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

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@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

@krisv_723

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@Cheeseboy22

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@DaddyJew

*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.

@scorpicpanda

Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.

JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”