Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.


Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.


*tear runs down cheek

“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”

“Sir, this is a morgue.”


The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.


Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick

Her: oh that’s okay

Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he’s so shy he’s hiding his face in my arm


Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED


Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.


ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?


Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR