@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

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@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

@AmishPornStar1

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

@TheAlexNevil

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

@DaddyJew

[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

@Sickayduh

Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.