INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
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Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.