@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

@Sarcasticsapien

Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

@AndyRichter

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.