@brandonleecool
@dafloydsta
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
You Might Also Like
@dafloydsta
@lovemydogduck
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
@Sarcasticsapien
Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
@AndyRichter
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
@Luiki89
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
@lovemydogduck
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@LoveNLunchmeat
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
@juneohara65
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
@bartandsoul
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like itβs popcorn at the movies
@Bob_Janke
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.