Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The internet is magic sometimes.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen