Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If only
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.