Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.