[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not