*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit