When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
You Might Also Like
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.