My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You Might Also Like
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
This 4th of July, please remember…
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.