My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”