My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*