My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
birds and squirrels envy us
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid