My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist


William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes


My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids


[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.


“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”


“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house


Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi


I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.


just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go