@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

You Might Also Like

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

@KWalps

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

@SumukhComedy

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

@Ygrene

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

@GingaSnapppa

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@titletown__

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.