My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.


little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you


“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.


“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well


Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?


Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]


I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.


Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.