My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Mouse
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
uncle dave has been through hell
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.