If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
50 shades of grey = my Liver
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I finally found a reason to live again.
The cashier just checked me out.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”