@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

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@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@DrunkMidLife

If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.

@EJGomez

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

@Thrill_Tweeter

[The mid 20s catch up]

“What are you drinking, who you seeing?”

[The midlife catchup]

“Who’s your therapist, what are you taking for it?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

@pilau

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.