Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.
She learned to fight in prison.
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If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[The mid 20s catch up]
“What are you drinking, who you seeing?”
[The midlife catchup]
“Who’s your therapist, what are you taking for it?”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.