@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

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@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

@junejuly12

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

@Sweetonme81

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

@Kyle_Lippert

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

@rebrafsim

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

@k10x___

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

@Duchess______

Opening a restaurant called ‘Life’ there’ll be no menu, the waiter will just punch you in the face on arrival then bring you something you don’t like.