My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*


[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*


[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married


Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?


3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.


Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech


Opening a restaurant called ‘Life’ there’ll be no menu, the waiter will just punch you in the face on arrival then bring you something you don’t like.