@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

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@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@Divergentmama

Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@i_zzzzzz

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

@Jaybberwocky

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

@21stcenturysahm

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*