Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.
It was cute with Skittles.
Then she switched to dog food.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.
Me: oh yeah?
Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?
Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Hub:…his dream, not mine
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*