I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.
It was cute with Skittles.
Then she switched to dog food.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
A new breed of stupid…
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Opening a restaurant called ‘Life’ there’ll be no menu, the waiter will just punch you in the face on arrival then bring you something you don’t like.