My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I feel it
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.