my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out