My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
You Might Also Like
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Monday?
No. Next question.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation