My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
i want to work in this restaurant
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen