My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’