@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.

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@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@okcallmejay

I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door

@ClichedOut

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

@PinkCamoTO

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

@thatsuperdad

Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@ObscureGent

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.