“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.