@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.

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@sirchutney

Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.

@OllyiConic

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@AngelaEhh

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

@ozzyunc

If that one teacher hadn’t encouraged my writing I’d have a much nicer car.

@osigat

? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@FlipPrincesss

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

@KevinBuffalo

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces