My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.

You Might Also Like


Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.


After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.


my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.


It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.


If that one teacher hadn’t encouraged my writing I’d have a much nicer car.


? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.


FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die


Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”


Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.


I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces