My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl