My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.