Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TonyWIVK

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@lachlan

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@AdamOfEarth

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

@ArfMeasures

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

@leonardcowalski

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

@dianamail17

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.