Dad: I called but got VM, where were you?
Me: Outside smoking a brisket.
Dad: Why? Did the price of tobacco go up?
Me: Bye, Dad.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?