@graceful_asfuck

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

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@amandajpanda

Dad: I called but got VM, where were you?

Me: Outside smoking a brisket.

Dad: Why? Did the price of tobacco go up?

Me: Bye, Dad.

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@English_Channel

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

@tsm560

All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

@bingowings14

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

@kivtur

Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.

@TheWidowmakerX

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner