@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

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@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@HenpeckedHal

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@simoncholland

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

@batkaren

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@Michael_Erhart

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

@funnyordie

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

@trojansauce

[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan