@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

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@rickolantern

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

@4handfuls

Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.

@NoogsCorner

Witch Logic:

I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.

@pixelatedboat

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

@canadasandra

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@lincnotfound

toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes