My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this