*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…
Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.
I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess
king toadstool: what should we do?
toad: we need to call the plumbers
king toadstool: the plumbers?
toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes