My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.


Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.


Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second


Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.


BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.


Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security



Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”


When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?


[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan