Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
🙋♀️
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO