Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]