[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.
You Might Also Like
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?