@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

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@psybermonkey

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@pleatedjeans

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

@thefosterer

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@Landon_TSNTL

The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.

@fuzzlime

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

@CaseyMichelle__

Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?