My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

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[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you


Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance


Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…


Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.



Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out


If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.


The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.


me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice


Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?