Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]