My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.