My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already