Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.