@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

@TweetPotato314

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

@BonesHer

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.

@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat

@DillDoes

*rubs lamp*

Genie: “you get three wishes”

Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”

Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”

@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@brynnester

[Interview]
Boss: Who’s this? Your girlfriend?
Me: Oh she’s not my girlfriend. Not yet anyway *gives her an affectionate nudge* Actually it’s our first date
Her: I’m having the worst time