@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

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@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@KenJennings

Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

@murrman5

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call