ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call