@velweb

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

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@dadtellsjokes

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

@kwirkyKerri

This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.

@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@MandiAtRandom

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

@TommyKarate

She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.

@bylinetd

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.