My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
That’s fair
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition