A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.