I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
You Might Also Like
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me checking my bank balance online.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.