Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.