Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.