having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
#growingpains
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food