My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”

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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans


“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.


[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine


Ironic… is having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up to many times.


Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.


prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda


She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster


The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.


Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.