Me: *looks at phone*
Husband: What are you up to?
my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-
Roommate: OMG NO
Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.