By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO
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Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*
how cool is thi ew why is it wet?
“dude, that’s a condom”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*