@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

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@Jessdaisy

I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

@notfaizzy

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

@KalvinMacleod

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

@ShutUpThatsWho

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

@hipchkk

I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@david8hughes

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no