I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old
my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
C: make an illegal U-turn
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no