If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?