My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Message from the dog groomers
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL