My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.


My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.


The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.


I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??


ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist


Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.