@Jermaine_Accram

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

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@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@IamJackBoot

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist

@CDMEclairs

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.