@Jermaine_Accram

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

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@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@ch000ch

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

@maisonwithapen

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@bazecraze

If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?