@Parkerlawyer

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@OtherDanOBrien

*I throw u a kiss*
*u duck*
*it flies into space*
[6 bn yrs later – the planet Xargx]
LORD ZARG: Kill the-
*kiss hits his cheek*
LZ: Aww nvm

@ThisLocalHater

But officer, that is my emotional support dismembered corpse in the trunk

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@mack44_d

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

@cigarin

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”