I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Okay
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.