My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!